Category: Jamaican humor


Musings From a Diaspora Yardie.

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Recently Prince Harry visited Jamaica bam! People were in a frenzy. The local government pulled out all the stops to make sure he saw the best of JA. I say if the Jamaican government is comfortable wallowing in the ‘mire’ when no dignitaries are around, they shouldn’t be uncomfortable when dignitaries visit the island. It just shows they care more about those that are beyond the island and not those who are within.

So it seems Mr. Bolt is not only mashing up (doing great) the 100 meters and 200 meters. He seems to be mashing up with his new beauty–Belle Lubica, a Slovakian fashion designer. The local women of Jamaica are very critical of Bolt because he was too quick to leave them to run to an Eastern European. Well, ladies that is what happens when one travels, he or she develops new infatuations. Solidarity is a bit over-rated because not everyone is looking forward to ‘settling down.’ When one has to think about a huge commitment such as marriage, solidarity is a key consideration. I imagine Bolt saying, “Bwoy dah nice girl deh a pree me whacha, mi ago mek my move.”

 

Lol. I remember way back when Seventh-day Adventists (SDA) were completely ostracized in Jamaican society. Most SDA were known as the Saturday church goers. The other protestant churches would warn their parishioners not to mingle with SDA people because they belonged to a cult. It is 2012 baby and Jamaica has got a SDA Governor General (A Governor General is a figure-head who represents the British monarchy in countries that are in the British commonwealth). Plus the SDA church is the fastest growing one on the island. There are many SDA in high places and in the police force too. They are not at ease. The constant question is how does one keep the sabbath and go about his day-to-day responsibilities? Most Adventists feel their vertical relationship is more important than their horizontal ones. God reps the vertical and people the horizontal.  So allow me to sum up: That’s too bad chum if I am an Adventist cop and I see someone is robbing you, but I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. It is your sacred duty to me to make sure you’re in the right place at the right time in order for me to help you. Have a happy Sabbath!

In 1988, Hurricane Gilbert struck Jamaica and brought the small island nation to its knees. Our house was lucky because the storm spared it. Our home was a temporary shelter to those who had lost theirs and they stayed with us during the duration of the storm. The winds were strong and scary. By the fifth day, the storm had caused the rivers to swell. Many animals and some people lost their lives.  Amidst all the chaos, some of the people who were staying with us suddenly had a profound religious experience. My family was already religious. But the newly inducted hobos were singing from hymns and praying their hearts out to God. Some of them had ghastly characters but those same guys were renouncing their wrongs. I saw other unsavory characters on their knees begging the Lord to spare their lives. The funny thing is after the storm, these same overnight Christians went back to their former selves as if nothing had happened. Jamaican culture and people are vibrant. The people are very expressive and passionate. They can also be stirred to various radical behaviors. But seriously, can a ghost out deejay and blokes who like blokes cause the earth’s tectonic plates to shift or to produce hurricane wind gust up to 185 mph/295 km? Can wicked, degenerate, immoral people cause natural disasters? Here is some advice for the wicked. The next time you encounter a deadly blizzard; run into a church because their heating system is far better than all others. Who am I kidding? Blizzards aren’t earth shattering like hurricanes and earthquakes; it’s just too damn cold. I’m just saying the church should be able to save from all disasters not just some. If you’re still not convinced, please run into a church and stay there, sit in the pews or kneel down at the pulpit instead of staying inside of a basement the next time you encounter a massive tornado.

O Florence Nightingale where art thou? ‘Bump that,’ the nurses in Jamaica said decisively, they want theirs. Of course no humane person would allow a patient to deteriorate to skulls and bones but hey, a pay check hike would have renewed the nurses’ sense of duty pronto. I get it, if everyone else can strike so should nurses right? I remember when being a nurse was such a revered profession. Now, it can be perceived to be something of a more sexual nature. A sexy woman in a nurse’s outfit at a Halloween party is without fail a boner magnet. But those damn scrubs are such a bonercide. Plus a bunch of dudes now are becoming nurses and just killing the mood. Any nurses demanding better wages and working conditions are not sexy, not cool and it is downright ghastly too. Look at that poor fellow in the bed. Go on and laugh, it does look funny.

 

Being a soccer/football enthusiast and player, I sort of live, eat and breathe soccer. I remember witnessing Jamaica’s debut on the world stage at the 1998 World Cup (WC) in France. I was proud. That was some feat. Jamaica was the first Caribbean nation to qualify for said world stage. Crap! I take that back it was Cuba. It would have been nice if it were Jamaica but hey to many; the Cubans’ achievement doesn’t count because hey (I have to whisper) most people are paranoid about Cuba and their communist worldview.  Many commentators and observers tended to overlook their achievements. Here’s something funny. When the Cubans first qualified it was in 1938. The other times they qualified during CONCACAF the Caribbean’s governing soccer body, the host countries and FIFA rejected them. When the US hosted the WC, the Cubans withdrew. Future WC fixtures are to be determined, so good luck Cuba. The picture above is not of Cuba’s soccer team. It’s their neighbor, Jamaica. It is no secret the Jamaican senior soccer team sucks. The Jamaican Football Federation is now banking a lot on the under 17 (U-17) football team because they lost confidence in the senior one. Hey team Jamaica, the Cubans have a perfect excuse, they are communist and the world and FIFA honor the trade embargo against them. You team Jamaica haven’t been able to qualify because you suck and you lack the discipline to rise above.  Maybe the U-17 team is the new hope.  So hire another Brazilian get your football house in order.

Slackness! That was my grandmother’s favorite word. Some people think it is cute when children emulate adult themes or actions. But there should be a line that should never be crossed. A child getting down and booty popping to the latest dancehall songs is not cute. I feel kids these days need to learn very early how to be self-reliant, educated, smart and to remain child-like. It seems every generation finds a more sinister way to cause high blood pressure among the elders. Regardless of that intent, thoughtful care and effort should be used in instructing a child. So kids here’s a message from uncle Brown-Voltaire, instead of listening to Vybz Kartel listen to Kid’s Bop or Sesame Street, you’ll stay innocent for now until you are close to 18 years old or older.

Jamaican athletes have long been the default ambassadors of Jamaica because the politicians are swine-like. But most locals feel that anyone who enters the world stage probably will sell out Jamaica. What does that mean? If Bolt blows up even bigger and makes a ton of cash, is he suppose to bring a big bag of cash and dump off some of his surplus on people’s lap from his hometown? I don’t think anyone would be that shallow and narrow-minded to expect that. But let’s be real, Bolt is fingered in the line up because he is rather chummy with his new European girlfriend. Please follow my use of this euphemism: Jamaican politicians screwed, screws and will continue to screw over the people. The people don’t like to be screwed. And further, they don’t like when their national figures literally screw others. So Bolt watch it! Don’t screw over Jamaica by screwing a non-Jamaican.

Here is a tip: Take my advice. Given our tendency to attribute animal like characteristics to our daily discourse and to define some of our actions, it is very fitting that Tiger Woods was indeed a ‘Tiger’ in bed and like some Jamaican men like to say “Mi ago tek mi wood and….” Get the picture? Mr. Tiger Woods certainly lived up to both of his name.  No wonder he could not decline to offer some invaluable advice to Mr. Bolt. And I agree but I might I add that he should be too quick to chase after too many foreign women. The locals are not feeling it.

Ah…Cricket, not the insect, but rather the second most played sport in the world, yeah that one. The West Indies used to be gods of the cricket arena. Now they are like a bunch of ‘school boys’ attempting to have a knock about. I don’t have much to say except I’ll join in concert and say the West Indies team is indeed worthless. They don’t need to restore the old pride they once had. They should find and maintain a new sense of pride and competitiveness but as long as they’re continuing to perform poorly, I’ll keep saying, “Di West Indies Cricket team wutless enuh star!”

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