Recently, a well-disliked government entity became a ubiquitous re-occurring story in the news. The news capture at least one story a week in which someone has had with the chummy fingers of  those who work for the great Transportation Security Administration (TSA). TSA (a great bastion against terrorists) was George Bush Jr’s brainchild straight from the loins of the parent agency, the Department of Homeland Security.

Never has America had an agency brazenly all up on its citizens. Most people can’t evade the inevitable rendezvous with them because those of us familiar with the geography of America, know far too well it is unwise not to travel by plane from point A to B.

Maybe traveling by plane in the US is not so bad. There are a group of people who’d disagree with me. They know they have to go through security checkpoints and be screened too. Yet, most travelers strongly believe TSA agents are over-zealous. They are too quick to pat down and “grope” people. Most people who endured this treatment feel violated. I tend to side with the victim in most situations and I have just the remedy for them. This act would take courage. And having a strong sense of oneself. It doesn’t need any razor-sharp words to slice through bullshit. Nor would it need any over-the-top action to make a statement against the TSA staff. All one needs is to let his body do what it does best.

There are some unlucky individuals who can’t stand the unsavory behavior they experienced at various airports across America. Their stories are similar: a-drunk-on-power-TSA-agent violated their privacy. Take Jacob Wisnik a ten year old boy and a diabetic. For his troubles, he has to wear a special pump. While at the airport, the pump triggered the alarm and the TSA agent descended on the poor lad. Of course he pat down the harmless lad. But not just the standard one but he fondled the poor kid all over his body. The kid thought he was getting ready to go to prison. For most of his life, he was told not to allow anyone to go near his private parts but the TSA worker was making sure he was working to keep the lad safe.

Critics cried foul again about the time another TSA agent patted down a three-year old boy in a wheel chair with a leg cast. Or what about the lady who sobbed while she was getting her “Airport security massage.” Better yet, a man wanting to take a stand (literally butt naked) did so in front of god and everyone. John Brennan who comes from Oregon thought he’d remind America why his state is the Hippie capital.

Next, a recent article featured Henry Kissinger the former Secretary of State given a full pat down at Laguardia airport. The poor fools did not even recognize the 88-year-old. So much for being a-world-renowned-elder-statesman. It goes to show no one is immune from the prying clutches of the defenders of our freedom. I was not lucky to escape either. Yours truly have also been “violated” too. One day while traveling  from Washington D.C, I was about to go through the new and improved body scanner and the staff person said, “You don’t have to go through the scanner, it is optional.” So I exercised my right to choose and said I will opt out.

Damn! Who told me to decline? It is as if I had threatened the poor man’s life. He reached for his radio and screeched: “Opt out, opt out…we’ve got a opt out.” I was quickly guided to a swarthy-unkempt TSA staff (a bloke–super lame should have been a damsel) to receive my mandated “Airport security massage.” Let’s just say, if there was ever a time I really wanted to do something harmless to defend myself, that particular situation would have been perfect. Later upon reflection I thought about what could I have done that would ‘pack a punch’ and be harmless simultaneously. That is when it hit me, I need to exhibit my displeasure in such a way, it doesn’t land me in jail but it makes a solid point. Not only that, it has to be funny too, an action that almost anyone can do and he or she will feel triumphant (That is if one can easily discard some rules of etiquette). Plus, is it repulsive?

I’d like to encourage travelers to do this the next time they are going to travel especially if they vehemently dislike over-zealousness TSA workers. A sinister but effective way to get back at them while they are patting you down is to do the unthinkable in public–let out a massive and ghastly fart in their presence. Can you imagine someone patting you down while you are letting them rip? On top of that, it’s stinky and revolting too and he or she has to be around you. What is he or she going to say? You are guilty of releasing gas in public? I think not! Clearly, there aren’t any laws against farting. I say we should put aside our proper manners and let ’em rip. In fact, eat that food item that causes you to have the worst smelling farts.  When you arrive at the airport save them for the right moment. Remember, your fight is not with other passengers, save your farts for the TSA staffers. So let’s get rid of our fear of offending and break wind at the airport when the next TSA worker seeks to get chummy with us. The naysayers, the prim and proper can say my recommendation is grotesque and uncouth; I don’t care. After all we all fart and I am simply creating a rallying cry and purpose behind farting. I’ll close with this: Beans, beans they’re good for your heart, the more you eat them, the more you fart. Don’t strip naked, weep uncontrollably, pursue lawsuits or physically resist TSA staffers; just cut some cheese and let them rip.

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